SIGNS.
Hey there and welcome to episode 2 of Self Published!
Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources I mentioned in the show as well as great connects to start your own podcast, publishing your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2.
Thank you so much and please enjoy.
Transcript
There's just so much I have to say; so much I want to ask. There is so much I want to know and plenty I want him to know. But what if these things aren't correct in the courts eyes? For instance, though I've suffered horrifically at the hands of my father, I…
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode2! Whoo hoo!
Remember to follow me on…you know what? Nevermind all that. I’m too excited. Lets just get right into it.
The Blog Post.
NOTHING HAPPENS BY CHANCE.
This week has been extremely busy. Monday I went to court to fight some unfair traffic tickets; which the prosecutor recommended that the judge dismiss after he walked in on my guilty with explanation plea. Yesterday I went to New York city to see a lawyer at Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts about some legal questions for my book. And tomorrow is the day my father receives his punishment for the crimes he committed against me
Throughout today my stomach would tense up at the thought of me facing my father tomorrow. See, I will have the opportunity to address him, and the court about how what he's done has affected my life. I've been scripting statements in my head since the moment the prosecutor told me he was found guilty of all charges four months ago; and every time I come up with something to say, I forget my monologue faster than it took me to formulate it. You would think I would just sit and write it down, but for some reason I'm afraid to. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why it scares me to write out what I want to communicate, and even here I can't translate my feelings into words.
I know I don't want to go into court and read pre written text. But that's not why I won't even jot an outline of my thoughts down. It doesn't make sense to speak off the top of my head. Words directed at my father have not passed through my lips for over eight years! Can you imagine what could possibly come spewing out. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I know that once I start writing, it'll probably take the apocalypse to break my literary trance. And once that happens, I'd be editing, and re-writing and changing and thesaurusizing (thesurusizing; verb. To put different words into a thesaurus repeatedly. I made that one up.) words until...well....until!
There's just so much I have to say; so much I want to ask. There is so much I want to know and plenty I want him to know. But what if these things aren't correct in the courts eyes? For instance, though I've suffered horrifically at the hands of my father, I forgive him. Of course he has to suffer the consequences of his actions, but I want him to know that I forgive him for the pain he inflicted on me and the confusion he's caused. I want him to know that I forgive him for my children not growing up with a father in their life; because if he wasn't their father and I had the opportunity to fall in love and get married and have a husband to help me bring them into this world, there would be somebody they could call daddy. I want him to know I forgive him for the diseases that some of my children have, that probably would not exist if he wasn't their father as well as mine. And I want him to know I forgive him for beating me and, raping me and for making me question for years, what did I do wrong. I want my father to know that I have forgiven him because I need him to know that he doesn't have control over any aspect of my life anymore.
When I went to the city yesterday the appointment the intern at the VLA gave me, was two hours earlier than my actual scheduled meeting time. To make use of the extra two hours I had in the city, I decided to get on the subway and pick up some spectacles that I ordered for school. Just as I was about to swipe my metro card a man stopped me and began telling me things about myself that he possibly couldn't have known. Without me saying a word he told me I was working on a project, I was in school, and I lost my job last year. Though I believe in some spiritual phenomenon, I know there are people out their passing themselves off as anointed to make a buck, so I looked at myself to see if I had any obvious markers to give away the info he was privy too. There was nothing that I could tell. He even told me about my knee injury and I certainly don't have a limp.
After a few minutes he pulled out a piece of paper and quickly wrote on it. He then balled it up as small as he could and put it in my hand. I held the paper for the forty minutes we spent walking around Madison avenue talking. He spoke about the baby that I lost and my daughter that died without me mentioning anything. Eventually, he tried to convince me to give him money to "break evil spells" and "give me good luck". After I declined he asked me my age, my mother's name, the name of the man I was in love with and three personal wishes; which I shared with him. I ended up giving him a donation for his time, thanked him for his conversation and politely excused myself. But before I left he reminded me I had to open the paper he gave me when we first met. When I did, the same information that I told him about my mother, my age, my wishes and the man that I'm in love with was written on the paper he gave me after I barely said hello to him almost an hour earlier.
After my diversion with the stranger who seemed to know me personally, I got to my meeting right on time. The lawyer at the VLA suggested that I make some changes to my manuscript to save me some legal headache. I wanted to say; look lady, after you've been through what I've been through, and experienced some of the things I've experienced, taking some risk of my own free will is as fun as getting on a roller coaster. But instead I thanked her for the help and let her know I will take her advice under consideration.
My encounter with the man before my meeting got me thinking about being in the right place at the right time, and whether or not things happen by chance. After my father's sentencing being postponed twice, My mom won't be their tomorrow because she's on a cruise. My cousin who's attended every day of the trial I've testified, is indisposed. My sister who always gets off early on Fridays is scheduled to work late tomorrow. Just like me being in the city two hours early and crossing paths with a complete stranger (even if it was only to interestingly kill time), I know God is setting things up just how they're suppose to be. And I'm curious as heaven what he has in store for tomorrow.
SideBar
I pray that your life is free of any and all circumstances that would lead you to attend someones sentencing. Whether you are the victim, a supporter, or a family member of the judged and convicted, the business of the ordeal is grim and heart-wrenching.
The humanity inside of me was triggered as I watched my father and the father of my children, as bruised and battered as he’s often left me, shackled behind a bench swaying from left to right holding a blank paper in front of his face.
Even with the months of writing instruction I’d been receiving in school and practice from years of penning my story in my memoir, I was devoid of the ability to put pen to paper for this integral moment in time.
I instead, with fear of continued judgement from those around me, spoke from my soul, sharing with my used to be mental and physical captor standing only feet away from me that my daughter died. That like so many other of his lies, that he was false in his accusation of my “evil spirit” being the cause of her inability to walk. I told him how his deviant desires negatively impacted so many. And though the love of his first daughter had dissipated many years ago, I had forgiven him and assured him that in my eyes, whatever the punishments the judge decided was of his own making and of God’s will.
Invite and Announcements
Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here whether it be resources, inspiration, how to prepare to testifying court, etc, etc, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my YouTube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to PreciousLittleLadies.org. where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault and our motto remains its ok to tell.
Writing Advise - Legalities
I knew the brevity of my memoir could come with legal repercussions. Especially with my frank, explicit description of the events in my life. I have no filter in my writing and my father worked with some very famous people throughout his career. They may not appreciate being associated to my story publicly.
I couldn’t afford a private lawyer but one of my professors recommended an organization called the Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts. A nonprofit organization comprised of lawyers who help “starving artists.”
You have to purchase a membership and are only allotted a certain amount of appointments per year. But they do have what they call “clinic” where its like an open call and they help groups of artist in short stints throughout the day. I’m sure there have been adjustments made to their operations since COVID19, but they are a great resource.
The nearest VLA to me was in NY, but check the show notes for links to VLA’s in your area. And make sure to get my book to see if I took my lawyers advice.
Hey, hey, hey you, you. Thank you so much for listening; for allowing me to grace your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I hope you were able to derive something from this episode. Feel free to shoot me a note with any questions and I’ll do my best to respond, and I’d really appreciate your feedback and ratings on this and all of my episodes. I’m a work in progress taking in all I can to progress.
Thanks in advance.
Until next time. Be blessed for your are a blessing.
Music: Epidemic Sound
Resources and Offers
National Volunteer Lawyers For the Arts: https://vlaa.org/get-help/other-vlas/
Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies.org
Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.
Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2
